This week I couldn't get the whole De Kleine trial out of my mind. Trying to understand how someone could kill his wife and leave her for his son to find her is just incomprehensible. Thinking of how this man once protected our city and worked side by side with Brent and had his back just makes me cringe. Then add on top of it his desire to bring the whole thing to court, to make his loved ones testify and relive the horrible nightmare. It's unthinkable. I found myself throughout the week thinking horrible thoughts about how the scum bag deserves to rot in jail for the rest of his life. I have a lot of anger towards Ken, with whom I once served with on a mission trip; I find myself hating him (with a very strong hatred). How could he do this to his children and family? And perhaps the most disturbing, how can he seem to not feel horrible guilt and remorse!!??? It just doesn't make sense to me. Didn't God create all of us with a conscience? How can anyone with a conscience sit and watch his son walk into the court room after not seeing him for 6 months and listen to his son's testimony against him and NOT be in tears!!??? I'm getting angry again as I type... what a cold-hearted, evil....
Okay, that's not the point of this entry. Last night I took all this anger and all my questions straight to God. Am I supposed to forgive someone who committed such a horrific crime and doesn't even seem remorseful? What I heard God tell me was probably not was I was expecting or wanted to hear. God spoke to me as I read the next chapter in the book I'm reading ("Adventures in Missing the Point" by Tony Campolo and Brian Mc Claren); wouldn't you know the next chapter was titled "Sin." I dug in, hoping to hear how we don't need to forgive someone who is not sorry. What I heard instead is that Jesus died for me "while I was still living in sin." Before I could even acknowledge or confess my sin, Christ took my punishment. Wow!
I also was reminded that the line between good & evil is not about "us and them" (good vs. bad people), but the line is inside each one of us. I have inside me the capacity for horrific evil and also incredible good. It does me no good to look down on or condemn someone who has sinned horribly, because I am equally evil, equally in need of Christ's grace. That's what's so amazing about what Christ did for us. None of us deserve His forgiveness.
"Oh to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be" this song is playing as I type.
"If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall. No temptation has seized you except what is common to man." I Corinthians 10:12-13
The verdict is in. I am guilty. I'm guilty of thinking that I'm above sin. I'm guilty of judging others, of judging Ken. I'm guilty of sinning without even knowing it; without confession or remorse. I'm so sorry, Lord, for how I have hurt You and others. I'm sorry for the evil things I've thought and done. I'm so sorry for how I've sinned and didn't even acknowledge it. Please continue to search my heart and bring conviction and repentance. Bring me to my knees in the reality of Your Holiness. And thank you, Lord, for your undeserved grace to me. I am forever grateful!
I need to give my anger toward Ken to God and let Him deal with Ken in His righteousness and truth. And I will continue to pray for Ken's family as they pick up the broken pieces and try to make sense of a senseless situation; I pray that they may find God's amazing grace and feel the arms of Jesus surrounding them like never before.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love, amazing grace."
1 comment:
thanks for this reminder.
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